Tech Scorpion Top 5 – The 5 Most Boring 1st Gen Pokemon

As I wrote about on this very blog a couple of weeks ago, I recently got a strange hankering to replay a 1st gen Pokemon game, and so I did just that. While my previous post gave a less than favourable verdict of the laborious grind-fest that is the early part of the game, now I’m further along I’m actually pretty much addicted, and when I complete it (as in, beat the end boss – unlike our resident completionist Laura who’d then have to spend the next year attempting to ‘catch ’em all’ and truly finish the game, I’ll be jacking it in then), I’m going to write a whole new post taking back all the mean things I said.

I'm in Fuchsia City already, bitches!

I’m in Fuchsia City already, bitches!

Well, except for where I said I’d let my cats eat rattata and pidgey because they were boring. I will never take that back, because they are, and that is the inspiration for today’s top 5.

In a franchise based on creatures that are cute or badass or fantastical fighting with all kinds of awesome attacks and abilities, it irks me that I have to waste my time on pokemon with boring designs. I get that as the number of pokemon in canon increases there are going to be some lazy choices, and I’m not sure how many generations away we are from ‘Stapley’, the stapler with googly eyes that, er, shoots staples, and evolves into ‘Staplino’, an industrial stapler with googly eyes that shoots larger staples (if you’re reading this Game Freak, you can totally have that idea – I don’t want the credit), but come on guys, this was gen 1. You had a blank slate, you could imagine any kind of incredible beasts you wanted, and yet somehow, these five still made the cut…

1 – Exeggcute

This abomination unto all that is good steals the top spot, because not only is it boring, it’s also ugly, and it makes no sense. Boring, ugly and baffling – the full trifecta. It’s a bunch of separate eggs with their own individual faces that are still somehow one pokemon. Some of the eggs are cracked, and they have bitchy looking faces.

It’s boring because it’s just eggs. I have those in my fridge. It’s ugly because, well, look at it. And it’s baffling because how can a bunch of eggs all count as one pokemon? And what are they the eggs of, even? They evolve rather than hatching, but some Pokemon do hatch out of eggs so… WHAT ARE YOU? Actually, don’t even tell me. I don’t care.

The Pokedex entry for Exeggcute in Pokemon Yellow doesn’t explain anything, either. It says:

The heads attract each other and spin around. There must be 6 heads for it to maintain balance.

If you ask me, this raises a whole lot more questions than it answers.

2 – Zubat

The reasons why Zubat sucks are twofold:

The first reason will be obvious to everyone who has ever played Pokemon Red, Blue or Yellow: there is a cave early on where one of these things attacks you every three steps. If you’re playing Yellow, you can simply one-hit them with Pikachu, so they are boring to fight, and they just make getting through that cave before you have the opportunity to buy some Repel to stop them bothering you tedious as hell. Take three steps, fight interface opens up. Thundershock. Get a lame amount of XP. Take three steps… Rinse and repeat for the next 40 minutes.

The second reason is, this is literally just a bat. Bats are not as boring as eggs of course, so it’s still much better than Exeggcute as a design, but this is its Pokedex entry from Yellow:

Emits ultrasonic cries while it flies. They act as a sonar used to check for objects in its way.

OK, so that’s just a bat. Regular bats that exist in our normal, boring, Pokemon-free world can do that. Why isn’t it neon blue with the ability to poop thermite down on its enemies from above or something?

3 – Rattata

My beef with Rattata is not that different from my beef with Zubat – it’s just a rat, and there are too bloody many of them.

Even your rival, that utter douche Gary Oak, bothers to train one of these things, until according to many a fan theory your character kills it for reals on the SS Anne and it ends up in the cemetery in Lavender Town. Good. Gary is too big a character in the game to be troubling me with a boring bloody Rattata, or even worse, Raticate.

You see, what is really, really boring about Rattata, is that while a lot of the less interesting pokemon turn into something absolutely mad when they evolve and therefore redeem themselves (like Magikarp turning into a whopping great blue sea dragon, or Metapod turning into a crazy looking psychic butterfly), Rattata, the basic rat, evolves into Raticate – a larger, fatter basic rat.

I am the terror! Image by 4rank

I am the terror! Image by 4rank

Like Zubat, it’s Pokedex entry in Yellow also effectively describes an ordinary, fairly common animal from real life:

Will chew on anything with its fangs. If you see one, it is certain that 40 more live in the area.

It’s boring. It’s like if they made the entry for Mew say ‘If you catch it, you have to give it a special tray of sand to poop in, and feed it mechanically retrieved animal parts out of a can’.

This is basically what we're dealing with here. Image by Mari Paz Molina

This is basically what we’re dealing with here. Image by Mari Paz Molina

4 – Bellsprout

This has to be the least robust looking thing in the game, and considering there are pokemon that are basically just clouds of gas, that is saying something. I almost feel bad for one of these when I get Char-whatever-stage-he-is-now to torch it, but then I remember that this thing knows Wrap – the most annoying attack of them all.

Want to not do anything for several turns while this measly piece of crap does a negligible amount of damage to you each turn? It does this knowing in its heart (or whatever it is this thing has) the futility of its actions, because as soon as its Wrap, which absolutely won’t kill you, finishes, you’re going to light it up like Guy Fawkes. When a stronger pokemon that knows Wrap uses it it can be a bit troublesome, but when it’s Bellsprout, it’s literally just a boring way it kills the time until death.

It evolves into Weepinbell, which sounds like a sexually transmitted disease.

5 – Pidgey

Could have gone with Pidgey, could have gone with Spearow – both are boring. Pidgey ultimately won out because it has a stupider name, and for a boring bird it can’t even fly too well. It’s Pokedex entry for Yellow gives a hint as to how boring this thing is to fight, too:

Very docile. If attacked, it will often kick up sand to protect itself rather than fight back.

Yeah. It loves to kick up sand, which does you no damage at all, but reduces your accuracy so most of your attacks miss. You bring out something that can one-hit one of the ubiquitous Pidgeys, but if one of these things gets a turn on you, it’ll bring out this troll attack and basically leave you attempting moves turn after turn until you finally land one and knock out the bloody thing. I bet it feels quite pleased with itself, castrating all my much stronger pokemon and then taunting them with its stupid, feeble little attacks that chip away meaninglessly at my vastly superior HP. It makes fighting a Pidgey an arduous process, but there is something quite satisfying when you do eventually hit the cocky little git with an ice beam and put it back in its place.

Where is it even getting sand from – you only see these things in grass.

So, those are my top 5 most boring 1st gen pokemon, with totally solid reasons. Do you agree, or are you actually a fan of one of these? Or can you think of one of the originals that’s even duller? As always, we welcome your comments, tweets and shares!

 

 

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